If something is worth complaining about, it's worth doing something about. Between my desire for a family and life partner, deeply held religious beliefs about the sanctity and value of marriage in this life and the next, and basic human emotional and physical needs, to me, dating and marriage is definitely something worth doing something about.
We can blame the current dating environment on lots of things-- COVID, politically charged social atmosphere, millennials and gen Z don't make phone calls anymore, chivalry is dead, tiktok, 50 Shades of Gray... But no matter where the problem originates from, I was tired of it.
Since I unfortunately don't have a handy cursed amulet to blame, I had to look at myself-- I realized my perspectives, expectations, habits, and attitudes were the same as they have been for years, and I was headed towards the definition of insanity by thinking I could take all these old-and-unhelpful opinions and habits to each new date/acquaintance/relationship and expect different results.
I am in NO WAY saying that I think I'm an expert in dating/romance, or that I'm about to get engaged/married because of all this wisdom put into action, but I can say definitively that I feel much less helpless, frustrated, annoyed, fed-up and impatient with the process of dating and I'm going to sum these up and give you the sources I used to learn these things.
Taking the Fear out of Dating--Korean Style
TL;DR: Slow down romance/physical affection, allow yourself time to truly know deep and important aspects of a person's character, values, and goals, as well as build a real relationship before making out/having sex with them because you'll be able to make decisions with a clearer head.
I read this article (And highly recommend it along with all other hyperlinks in this blog): Taking the Fear Out of Dating
and realized I was guilty of exactly what he says: "One of the challenges Latter-day Saints face is a tendency to shortcut the dating stage and jump from hanging out to courtship." Not just Latter-day Saints, anyone can make this misstep.
I know that a few things make this easy to do--
When you meet on a dating app, it can make the tone of the first few conversations very much angled towards dating and you may be analyzing them immediately (and sometimes overly harshly and holding them up to high romantic/sparks flying/hottie with a naughty body/ high school crush twitterpation standards), and the time and chance to naturally learn about a person over time is drastically unnatural, and you walk away from lots of first and second dates feeling "meh" about them.
Another way to create an unnatural level of expectations/pressure is by rushing to big/romantic gestures that speed up the need to make a decision about commitment/being exclusive--for me, as soon as I've kissed someone, even if we haven't had a big DTR and made it official, I feel weird about going out with or considering other people to date. Taking it slow at the beginning, and being more thoughtful about more serious romantic gestures, especially physical ones, can allow you time to figure out--Do I like this person, their character, values, habits, priorities, communication style? Or do I like the way their body feels next to mine? I know I can think much more clearly without the emotions that are ushered in by oxytocin and a good cologne.
I won't go on a tangent--There's a whole book about this.
I've enjoyed a couple of the K-dramas my dad introduced to me. Something that I love about the Korean dramas is that the couple's relationships are ACTUALLY a relationship, with long conversations, conflict, working and stressing and showing weakness and strength alongside each other--all before any sexual or even romantic physical contact. Their friendship and trust and knowledge about the other person is the first and drawn out stage of their relationship. Then, when they first touch hands or have prolonged eye contact, you're so excited and pumped for their newly blossoming crush to evolve into a beautiful and real romance.
A few dramas that I love: Descendants of the Sun, Crash Landing on You, Touch Your Heart, While You Were Sleeping.
Imagine that pumped/excitement/rush of happy, innocent, and affectionate emotion accompanying the first time you hold hands or cuddle or kiss, and what's backing it up is multiple dates and weeks to months of genuine and meaningful connection. I've always said, the most exciting moment in dating is the first time a guy grabs my hand and the moment before the first kiss. Worth the wait, in my book.
Youtube University
TL;DR: Mature, humble, gracious, kind and reasonable women are more likely to get a good guy, and women have way more power to get the attention and interest of high-value men than they believe.
I will not attempt to sum up the hours of content from the two Youtubers I found, but I highly respect and admire what they are doing and I know it has helped me.
First, Matthew Hussey--One of my favorite videos from him talks about the principle of "Dropping the Handkerchief." He makes the point that women are kick-butt and competent and know what they want, and are GREAT at going and getting it, until it comes to dating and then we go belly up and act helpless. There are ways to clearly and classily let a guy you're interested know that you welcome and invite his attention/pursuit, and there's ways to do it that make you not only not seem desperate, but lead the guy to be more attracted to your strength, and confidence. If you're attracted to someone, clearly and simply invite them to pursue you/ask you on a date--you can always just try to be flirty but if he's not picking up the hint after a while, why not say something as direct as, "I'm available this weekend, and I think it would be fun to spend time with you." I've done this multiple times and it's worked, and has started off many relationships on a good foot--a foundation of honest and open communication.
It is NOT something to be embarrassed or ashamed of to be interested in someone. We're not in middle school. You don't have to apologize, feel "weak", or like you're not desirable because you showed some interest. We save time and confusion by being direct, and more power to you for having the confidence to be clear.
Second, Melanie King. She is pretty savage at calling out women on their pride, hypocrisy, and reasons why we are single that WE can do something about by choosing to take accountability for mistakes and grow and do better. I love her take and think many women would do well do some introspective work and examine their own attitude and expectations and how that is coming off to men and likely turning off men, assuming that finding a life partner/husband is what they're wanting.
BYU Wisdom
TL;DR: Love is not a mystical cloud that descends on the lucky few--we can choose and act and work towards a beautiful and deep love.
I have listened to and read this speech at least 5 times. The problem with modern love, it asserts, is that our false expectations about what level or work a relationship should and shouldn't require are leading to continual disappointment and a lack of effort and intention at the beginning and throughout relationships, and this attitude permeates into marriages. He teaches us that because many misunderstand the nature of love, and therefore think they are unlucky, that they can't "find" the one for them.
This quote from the speech is long but very relevant to the current attitude I have seen in many of my peers regarding dating:
"One of the most common myths I hear when it comes to dating is when someone states, 'When I find a really good relationship, I am going to commit to it.' The reason why this is a myth is that really good relationships do not exist without commitment. Commitment is one of the fundamental parts of creating an enduring environment of love in a relationship. Yes, it is true—thank goodness!—that in dating, commitment should come in a sequence of progressive steps and stages, not all at once. But in time, only complete devotion between two people can foster a long-term view of the relationship that will ultimately justify the day-to-day investments that are needed to create a really good relationship. Without proper commitment at the proper time, dating relationships languish in a wait-and-see pattern that leads one or both partners to hold back rather than deeply invest. Unfortunately, lopsided or asymmetrical commitment in dating relationships—in which one partner is deeply committed but the other is not—has become an epidemic in our culture today."
He also shares the following powerful statement: "Our culture today deeply values the fruits of a good marriage, such as love and happiness, but we are increasingly disconnecting these fruits from the true roots that make them possible."
All this can lead to:
TL;DR: Nothing good ever came easy, and real deep love is needed to help us move through the challenging periods in any relationship.
If we have dated wisely, we will have spent time and effort to truly get to know this person's character and depth, we can honor and respect them for who they are, for their experiences, their story, and their goals. We will have intellectual and emotional intimacy, and therefore what's connecting us is more than a few inside jokes, physical/sexual chemistry, and a some shared hobbies and mutual friends. We will be empowered to courageously make a real commitment that means our relationship has the weight and depth to make it through some little and bigger bumps. We need that solid knowledge and witness to ourselves and each other that we care for them in an important way, and are working on something that is meant to last. We will need it when getting used to each other in dating and early marriage requires patience and some charity-- as we figure out different love languages, attachment styles, hurt each other's feelings learning to communicate, see their REAL flaws up close, getting impatient with an annoying habit, and continue to understand each other's needs--both emotional, logistical, and sexual. The love and respect that can grow will be a powerful foundation to support us through these challenging periods of time and give us the sticking power we want and need.
I've edited a famous quote and I know it's true as the original:
“What we obtain too cheaply we esteem too lightly; it is dearness only that gives everything its value. Heaven knows how to put a proper price upon its goods; and it would be strange indeed if so celestial an article as a healthy and loving marriage should not be highly rated.”
Lastly, my very favorite quote about marriage, and by extension, dating and courtship:
"If you want something to last forever, you treat it differently. You shield it and protect it. You never abuse it. You don’t expose it to the elements. You don’t make it common or ordinary. If it ever becomes tarnished, you lovingly polish it until it gleams like new. It becomes special because you have made it so, and it grows more beautiful and precious as time goes by." -- F. Burton Howard
