It's Not About The Nail...Or Is It?

In a humorous commentary on female versus male communication, the video It's Not About The Nail pokes fun at the way women (generally speaking) "just want to be listened to." The exasperated husband is frustrated that the solution to the problem seems so obvious but his wife is completely ignoring that fact and simply wants to vent to him.

I have definitely been guilty of doing exactly what the wife did--just wanting to whine without getting advice or help. I've also been the not-so-sympathetic listener that offers a solution and then throws up my hands in frustration that my brother, friend, parent, or patient is not taking my super good advice.

Recently I was discussing this type of conversation with a couple of friends. They were on the husband's side--arguing that venting is somewhat pointless, unproductive, and immature, that offering solutions to solving the problem at hand is the best way to help. I was leaning towards the wife's side; I was convinced there is value to listening and offering comfort without advice. 

While my friends and I talked, a Bible story came to mind. Of course, Christ exemplifies an great way to be both loving, compassionate, kind, as well as helpful and solution-directed.

In the book of John, chapter 11, Jesus goes to his friends Mary and Martha, whose brother Lazarus has died. They are distraught, weeping and telling Jesus if he had come earlier, Lazarus could have been healed. Christ did not belittle these sisters' grief. He didn't say to them: "It's ok--I'm going to raise him from the dead, stop crying" or "Don't worry about it." 

What he did first, we find in John 11:35, the shortest Bible verse there is: "Jesus wept." In this simple act, he was showing compassion, mourning with them, validating their feelings, and offering support. He recognized the sorrow of the situation and showed them that he understood.  

However, Jesus knew, like many frustrated friends and family who are being vented to often, that there was a simple solution to the problem. He asked to be shown where Lazarus was buried, and then miraculously raised him from the dead.

The lesson I gleaned from this interaction is the following:

When someone is upset, angry, sad, or confused and wants to talk, taking time to listen to them and seek to understand how they're feeling can do a lot and help them feel loved and safe. Comforting people is such a good thing to do. 

In cases where there is something that can be done to help the situation, once the person knows you're not belittling or judging them for their feelings, offering advice or even just *doing* something that needs to be done (when appropriate, of course) is a really good thing, too! It's natural to want to help someone you care about and try to fix the problems that are causing them stress.

At the end of the day,  it's hard to go wrong when you're showing the person they're loved--by serving, listening, validating, or just being a shoulder to cry on. It can be sometimes be long, boring, difficult or seemingly unimportant, but with a little bit of Christlike love, we can help each other out--big time.