"The Elements of Like", January 12, 2012

This is an old essay of mine stashed in Google Docs. I wrote it when I still had my wisdom teeth in, "Call Me Maybe" was yet to become popular, and I was still years from my first kiss. It wasn't written for school, just what was on my mind back then. Let's see if when I was 15 I'd already figured it all out...

The Elements of ‘Like’

‘Like like’. A crush. Fancy, highly attracted to, infatuated with. I use all these words to describe the feeling young teenage girls have for boys. Notice I did not put “in love with” on that list. That is because I don’t think many teenagers are truly in love, simply because their undeveloped brains and overdeveloped emotions aren’t capable of true love. But they ARE experts at being romantic, twitterpated goons. I wondered--what does a crush on someone actually entail? You think they’re good-looking? “Sweet cute funny and nice!” as many 13-18 year old girls will gush to you? I’m going to attempt to explain all or most of the feelings that girls feel towards a guy when they really like him. The four categories those feelings fall under are: admiration, devotion, amusement and care.

Admiration

One big part of liking a guy is admiring him. You’re impressed by his knowledge in x subject, you think he looks especially adorable in a blue button-up, he’s a gentlemen, which you LOVE, he knows how to carry on a conversation, he does well with kids. All these feelings are ones of admiration. Admiration is defined as: ‘to regard with approval, respect or satisfaction.’ When you like this guy, you approve of him maybe because he’s a gentleman. You respect his knowledge of subject x. His cuteness in that button-up gives you satisfaction. All these positive feelings make you happy with the guy overall. This is the first and perhaps foremost aspect of ‘like’.

Devotion

Once you really admire this dude, you develop a sense of devotion towards him, whether he knows it or not. Your friends may refer to this innocent individual as ‘your man’. They may join you in your indignation when some other chick is flirting with your man.  Your parents and other guys don’t seem to understand one thing: the sense of  "mine" you feel towards this guy, even if he doesn’t even know that you like him. He gets a girlfriend, you’re sad. He breaks up with one, rejoice! Your man is free once again! 

Another part of the devotion is the sense of loyalty you feel. Your sister makes a crack about your man’s performance in a basketball game and you want to defend him. You hear about something  stupid he did in freshman year, you dismiss it with “Everybody has a past!” It’s a little bit ridiculous, but hey! You’re a high-schooler. Wisdom and reasoning weren’t in the job description.

Amusement

I don’t know how everyone is, but I know that my man has to be able to make me laugh. Remember aforementioned “Cute sweet funny and nice!” boy? Funny is high on the list. Often the first way a girl starts to notice a guy is if he makes her laugh. And then once you’re feeling admiration and devotion, it’s like those feelings sometimes fog up your sense of humor and almost everything this hobo says is enough to send you ROFL. Most things about this guy either entertain you or amuse you, which is part of the reason you love spending time around him--it’s just so FUN!

Care

I don’t know how to put this feeling into words very well...Concern sounds sad, and interest sounds...scientific. But care is what you feel. You care whether or not you look good when he’s around. You care about his welfare. If he gets hurt or is having a bad day, it gives you a sense of sadness. You care if he doesn’t text you back, if he got the grade he was hoping for, what’s going on in his life? Above almost everything else, you care what he thinks of you. Does he think of you? Does he think you’re funny, smart, cute interesting? That’s what you really care about.

‘Care’, amusement, devotion and admiration. Those four feelings combined can be quite the experience. You care about this funny guy, feeling devoted to and in admiration of him. Add a little dash of female hormones and BAM. You’ve got one twitterpated girl on your hands.

So boys....In case you wanted to know how a girl feels when she likes someone, now you do. She’s admiring, devoted, entertained and she cares. And it’s amazing how powerful that mix can be.

Peaches and True Doctrine

This blog is in answer to the concerns I hear from others /myself about things being taught by well-intentioned members and widely accepted in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints that are hurtful, incomplete, and untrue, leading to many people to have shaken faith, painful misunderstanding, and even messed up relationships.

Instagram, Pinterest, and Target pre-designed decorative wall art are all chock-full of pithy quotes, cutesy encouragement about therapy-esque tips, and cheerful sayings. I've re-posted more than my fair share and have a few favorites:

Among the Latter-day Saints, there are plenty of these share-able/postable sayings, some are summarized scripture, or from a BYU professor, EFY counselor, said by a bishop in a personal interview, or shared by a therapist who is a member of the church. While I tend to assume all of these were said or written with the intent to share the Gospel and lift others' spirits, I see people put too much stock into the interpretation of other member's perspective of the Gospel. There are things taught in church or by members or posted by LDS therapists, even put in the Liahona magazine or spoken at a BYU devotional that can and have been wrong, incomplete, and well-intentioned but overly-permissive or -condemning.

This is not a new phenomenon, I think members have been mis-representing the Gospel by over simplifying and over-complicating it for decades. I've heard of horrible Law of Chastity object lessons and foot-in-mouth moments over the pulpit in church, and then these things get quoted and re-taught to another group, in another country, or passed down to another generation, and turning it into practice.

I know myself and others can and do teach and accept and dogmatize things about God, the plan of Salvation, and the Atonement that actually aren’t true, and what I realize as I grow is that I am happiest and feel closest to God when I stop worrying about all these other sources of “truth” and go directly to the scriptures. The doctrine found in the standard works and taught in the temple is the most pure, powerful, and direct connection we can have to God and the message remains consistent (modified over time for simplification and clarification in the temple).

More than any Instagram post, sound byte, out-of-context quote, or whatever else, spending time in the actual scriptures and not someone else’s interpretation of an interpretation is the purest and most guaranteed way to truly learn God's character and plan.

In the words of Justin Bieber—“I get my peaches out in Georgia, I get my weed from California, I get my life right from the source" and I like to get my doctrine from God through prophets, modern and LOTS of ancient. No family member, bishop, or any other person needs to be in between me and a Spirit- filled study and understanding of pure doctrine. The only thing that can get in the way is our level of attention and sensitivity to the Spirit, and our willingness to follow what we learn.

I am grateful for my knowledge of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. My faith in him gives me a sustaining level of peace that everything is gonna work out, and a hope that things are going to work out in a way that will be happy and beneficial. My understanding of God's plan and role in my life, prayer, miracles, grace and other facets of the Gospel help me every day. I hope we can all remember to keep degrees of separation between us and God to a minimum, so we can learn the doctrine in its purest form and let that be the guide to our life and behaviors..

Love-life lessons I've learned from Korean dramas, Youtubers, and a BYU speech

If something is worth complaining about, it's worth doing something about. Between my desire for a family and life partner, deeply held religious beliefs about the sanctity and value of marriage in this life and the next, and basic human emotional and physical needs, to me, dating and marriage is definitely something worth doing something about.

We can blame the current dating environment on lots of things-- COVID, politically charged social atmosphere, millennials and gen Z don't make phone calls anymore, chivalry is dead, tiktok, 50 Shades of Gray... But no matter where the problem originates from, I was tired of it.

Since I unfortunately don't have a handy cursed amulet to blame, I had to look at myself-- I realized my perspectives, expectations, habits, and attitudes were the same as they have been for years, and I was headed towards the definition of insanity by thinking I could take all these old-and-unhelpful opinions and habits to each new date/acquaintance/relationship and expect different results.

I am in NO WAY saying that I think I'm an expert in dating/romance, or that I'm about to get engaged/married because of all this wisdom put into action, but I can say definitively that I feel much less helpless, frustrated, annoyed, fed-up and impatient with the process of dating and I'm going to sum these up and give you the sources I used to learn these things.

Taking the Fear out of Dating--Korean Style

TL;DR: Slow down romance/physical affection, allow yourself time to truly know deep and important aspects of a person's character, values, and goals, as well as build a real relationship before making out/having sex with them because you'll be able to make decisions with a clearer head.

I read this article (And highly recommend it along with all other hyperlinks in this blog): Taking the Fear Out of Dating

and realized I was guilty of exactly what he says: "One of the challenges Latter-day Saints face is a tendency to shortcut the dating stage and jump from hanging out to courtship." Not just Latter-day Saints, anyone can make this misstep.

I know that a few things make this easy to do--

When you meet on a dating app, it can make the tone of the first few conversations very much angled towards dating and you may be analyzing them immediately (and sometimes overly harshly and holding them up to high romantic/sparks flying/hottie with a naughty body/ high school crush twitterpation standards), and the time and chance to naturally learn about a person over time is drastically unnatural, and you walk away from lots of first and second dates feeling "meh" about them. 

Another way to create an unnatural level of expectations/pressure is by rushing to big/romantic gestures that speed up the need to make a decision about commitment/being exclusive--for me, as soon as I've kissed someone, even if we haven't had a big DTR and made it official, I feel weird about going out with or considering other people to date. Taking it slow at the beginning, and being more thoughtful about more serious romantic gestures, especially physical ones, can allow you time to figure out--Do I like this person, their character, values, habits, priorities, communication style? Or do I like the way their body feels next to mine? I know I can think much more clearly without the emotions that are ushered in by oxytocin and a good cologne.

I won't go on a tangent--There's a whole book about this.

I've enjoyed a couple of the K-dramas my dad introduced to me. Something that I love about the Korean dramas is that the couple's relationships are ACTUALLY a relationship, with long conversations, conflict, working and stressing and showing weakness and strength alongside each other--all before any sexual or even romantic physical contact. Their friendship and trust and knowledge about the other person is the first and drawn out stage of their relationship. Then, when they first touch hands or have prolonged eye contact, you're so excited and pumped for their newly blossoming crush to evolve into a beautiful and real romance.

A few dramas that I love: Descendants of the Sun, Crash Landing on You, Touch Your Heart, While You Were Sleeping.

Imagine that pumped/excitement/rush of happy, innocent, and affectionate emotion accompanying the first time you hold hands or cuddle or kiss, and what's backing it up is multiple dates and weeks to months of genuine and meaningful connection. I've always said, the most exciting moment in dating is the first time a guy grabs my hand and the moment before the first kiss. Worth the wait, in my book.

Youtube University

TL;DR: Mature, humble, gracious, kind and reasonable women are more likely to get a good guy, and women have way more power to get the attention and interest of high-value men than they believe.

I will not attempt to sum up the hours of content from the two Youtubers I found, but I highly respect and admire what they are doing and I know it has helped me.

First, Matthew Hussey--One of my favorite videos from him talks about the principle of "Dropping the Handkerchief." He makes the point that women are kick-butt and competent and know what they want, and are GREAT at going and getting it, until it comes to dating and then we go belly up and act helpless. There are ways to clearly and classily let a guy you're interested know that you welcome and invite his attention/pursuit, and there's ways to do it that make you not only not seem desperate, but lead the guy to be more attracted to your strength, and confidence. If you're attracted to someone, clearly and simply invite them to pursue you/ask you on a date--you can always just try to be flirty but if he's not picking up the hint after a while, why not say something as direct as, "I'm available this weekend, and I think it would be fun to spend time with you." I've done this multiple times and it's worked, and has started off many relationships on a good foot--a foundation of honest and open communication.

It is NOT something to be embarrassed or ashamed of to be interested in someone. We're not in middle school. You don't have to apologize, feel "weak", or like you're not desirable because you showed some interest. We save time and confusion by being direct, and more power to you for having the confidence to be clear.

Second, Melanie King. She is pretty savage at calling out women on their pride, hypocrisy, and reasons why we are single that WE can do something about by choosing to take accountability for mistakes and grow and do better. I love her take and think many women would do well do some introspective work and examine their own attitude and expectations and how that is coming off to men and likely turning off men, assuming that finding a life partner/husband is what they're wanting.

BYU Wisdom

TL;DR: Love is not a mystical cloud that descends on the lucky few--we can choose and act and work towards a beautiful and deep love.

I have listened to and read this speech at least 5 times. The problem with modern love, it asserts, is that our false expectations about what level or work a relationship should and shouldn't require are leading to continual disappointment and a lack of effort and intention at the beginning and throughout relationships, and this attitude permeates into marriages. He teaches us that because many misunderstand the nature of love, and therefore think they are unlucky, that they can't "find" the one for them.

This quote from the speech is long but very relevant to the current attitude I have seen in many of my peers regarding dating:

"One of the most common myths I hear when it comes to dating is when someone states, 'When I find a really good relationship, I am going to commit to it.' The reason why this is a myth is that really good relationships do not exist without commitment. Commitment is one of the fundamental parts of creating an enduring environment of love in a relationship. Yes, it is true—thank goodness!—that in dating, commitment should come in a sequence of progressive steps and stages, not all at once. But in time, only complete devotion between two people can foster a long-term view of the relationship that will ultimately justify the day-to-day investments that are needed to create a really good relationship. Without proper commitment at the proper time, dating relationships languish in a wait-and-see pattern that leads one or both partners to hold back rather than deeply invest. Unfortunately, lopsided or asymmetrical commitment in dating ­relationships—in which one partner is deeply committed but the other is not—has become an epidemic in our culture today."

He also shares the following powerful statement: "Our culture today deeply values the fruits of a good marriage, such as love and happiness, but we are increasingly disconnecting these fruits from the true roots that make them possible."

All this can lead to:

TL;DR: Nothing good ever came easy, and real deep love is needed to help us move through the challenging periods in any relationship.

If we have dated wisely, we will have spent time and effort to truly get to know this person's character and depth, we can honor and respect them for who they are, for their experiences, their story, and their goals. We will have intellectual and emotional intimacy, and therefore what's connecting us is more than a few inside jokes, physical/sexual chemistry, and a some shared hobbies and mutual friends. We will be empowered to courageously make a real commitment that means our relationship has the weight and depth to make it through some little and bigger bumps. We need that solid knowledge and witness to ourselves and each other that we care for them in an important way, and are working on something that is meant to last. We will need it when getting used to each other in dating and early marriage requires patience and some charity-- as we figure out different love languages, attachment styles, hurt each other's feelings learning to communicate, see their REAL flaws up close, getting impatient with an annoying habit, and continue to understand each other's needs--both emotional, logistical, and sexual. The love and respect that can grow will be a powerful foundation to support us through these challenging periods of time and give us the sticking power we want and need.

I've edited a famous quote and I know it's true as the original:

“What we obtain too cheaply we esteem too lightly; it is dearness only that gives everything its value. Heaven knows how to put a proper price upon its goods; and it would be strange indeed if so celestial an article as a healthy and loving marriage should not be highly rated.”

Lastly, my very favorite quote about marriage, and by extension, dating and courtship:

"If you want something to last forever, you treat it differently. You shield it and protect it. You never abuse it. You don’t expose it to the elements. You don’t make it common or ordinary. If it ever becomes tarnished, you lovingly polish it until it gleams like new. It becomes special because you have made it so, and it grows more beautiful and precious as time goes by." -- F. Burton Howard

There is Hope In Christ

I recently came home from my mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, during which I did everything in my power to help others come unto Christ and learn and live his Gospel. I did this because I have found immeasurable joy in living the Gospel of Jesus Christ, and wanted others who are seeking for meaning to feel as much peace and joy as I do. Now that I’m home I find many friends, family members, and acquaintances are leaving the church, angry or hurt or confused. I’ve been thinking a lot of why I choose stay in the church if all these things exist. 

I know why I stay and it’s not because I have faith in my fellow members. I don’t have perfect knowledge of all church history. I don’t have a testimony of Utah culture. My discipleship is not to Joseph Smith. My worth is not linked to the length of my skirt and my identity is not “Mormon” or “LDS.” If these things were the most important aspect of being a member of this church, I might have left long ago. So why have I stayed?

Because my identity is as a daughter of God. My discipleship is to Christ. My worth comes from who I am eternally, not what I did today or how much I read my scriptures. I have a testimony of the Restoration of Christ’s original church, which existed then and now to teach faith in Christ and repentance through his Atonement. I know God speaks to and through imperfect people called as prophets to teach us doctrine and principles for us to seek stability in difficult times. I know that the Book of Mormon is true, and Joseph Smith, imperfect and flawed and needing repentance like I do, was a prophet. I have firm faith in Christ and his Atonement.

Life is a huge trust fall. We’re scared and want to feel safe, but we’re still in a free fall, and trusting, hoping, and believing that someone can catch us. The only thing that is stable and unchanging and I can rely on is Christ’s Atonement. I’ve never met the Savior and I didn’t see that Atonement. That’s where the faith comes in. The faith that through living Christ’s gospel, I can be with God again. Faith means I act, hoping that Christ really did do all we are taught he did. I have hope for a better world, hope in the resurrection, a lively hope, a perfect brightness of hope, there are things I hope for and have not seen. 

There are things I don’t know, many things I don’t understand, and many behaviors I wish I could change. But until the day those things are no longer a challenge, I promise that, like in the Book of Mormon, we can enjoy this same blessing:

“The Lord our God did visit us with assurances that he would deliver us; yea, insomuch that he did speak peace to our souls, and did grant unto us great faith, and did cause us that we should hope for our deliverance in him.”

If the source of our hope and the foundation of our faith is anything but Christ, we will fall when the whirlwinds and floods and storms and questions and persecution and frustration and imperfection and pains and offenses come. The peace and assurance I experience from my testimony of God’s plan and Christ’s power is something I don’t want to live without so I have chosen and continue to choose to believe and strengthen that faith in him. THAT'S why I read the scriptures, pray often, and want to worship--because it is how I keep strong to help me stay, by building my faith in Christ.

It’s up to each person to believe or to let go, but if we are going to choose to believe let’s choose to believe in the one we can always count on.

Sharing is Caring

Ever wonder what those “Mormon missionaries” are so persistent about? Why they knock doors and ride bikes and do service projects and seem so cheerful and eager?  It’s not for money (we’re all volunteers), praise, or adventure factor. To help you understand why we do what we do, here’s why quit my job for a year and a half, put on a nametag, learned a new language, and became a missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. 

Something special I believe in is the possibility for marriage to last to eternity and beyond, happily forever after. That fairytale ending is not just a nice story, it’s something we can all experience. Just as we don’t honor someone’s state professional license in a different state, the earthly authority of someone to marry is valid on earth, until death. However when a marriage is sealed by one acting with the power and authority of God, that marriage is binding wherever we go, even after death. That message of forever families is at the center of the Restoration of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. That power to seal families eternally is real, it’s been given to prophets throughout history, and was given once again to a prophet named Joseph Smith  in the 1830s. My treasure in life is my family. Jesus taught: “But lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal. For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.” 

We’re not here to pay bills and die. We’re here to come to know God, and to know Christ, and live up to our divine heritage as children of a Heavenly Father. I remember in college I was sad because my friends kept graduating and leaving to far away places, and I was tired of loving and caring about someone only to say goodbye earlier than I wanted. Building relationships with people that will last forever— that’s what we’re made for, which is why goodbyes can feel so wrong. 

The perspective I gain from knowing that what I do here on earth, what I treasure, and how I love others will last longer than til death gives me hope that grounds me and peace I wouldn’t trade for anything. 

What is that hope in? In the words of a prophet from ancient America: “Behold I say unto you that ye shall have hope through the atonement of Christ and the power of his resurrection, to be raised unto life eternal, and this because of your faith in him according to the promise.” 

That hope for a better world gives me the power to change myself and see my life as a time to prepare for eternity as part of a forever family. With Christ, fairytales are reality, and to me, that’s something worth sharing. 

If you want to learn more about anything I've written, even just out of sheer curiosity or a desire to understand, comment below or message me. If you want to read more about what I believe, you can scroll through my blog posts, or visit ComeUntoChrist.org

Losing Control

Disclaimer: this post includes my own personal beliefs and perspectives on some doctrines of the LDS church. While I'm doing by best to accurately represent these doctrines, this is still just my own understanding and thoughts.
Also I don't know a ton about rock climbing, so if you do...sorry if I'm offending your climbing knowledge with my ignorance.

I can be a little bit of a control freak. There's a spectrum and while I'm not on the highest end, I lean to the more controlling side than I do the go-with-the-flow side. I'm not proud of this, I've always tried desperately to identify as a low-key, laid-back lady, and while I am in some areas, I have to admit to myself that sometimes I really do like to be in control and know what to expect in a lot of situations. 

One aspect of being a control freak is that I love planning things. Trips, my week, a meeting--it's satisfying and comfortable to design a plan and see it through to completion.
There's a really big Plan that I've always believed in and in which I've found great comfort. A core doctrine of the Latter-day Saint religion, the Plan of Salvation (or of Plan of Happiness or a few other names), teaches that God, or Heavenly Father is our divine parent who sent us to this earth, whereon we are able to experience life away from His presence and use agency to choose what kind of person we want to be, and we have the option to choose a life that will allow us to return to His presence and have eternal progress in the presence of our Father.

That "mortality" circle looks small, unadorned, and uncomplicated. Live your life the "right" way and then badabing badaboom, you get eternal glory. I didn't recognize the paradigm I had regarding this Plan until recently I've been faced with a few important life choices. I was praying for guidance to choose the "right" thing, the thing that God had in His plan, that could/would allow me to live exactly like God wanted. I felt confused and unsure and frustrated, when I realized I was thinking that God's plan was like a step by step Google navigation, something along the lines of: turn right at BYU-Idaho, proceed for 2.5 miles in Rexburg and spend the next 3.778 miles as a nurse in Midvale, UT. University of Utah ER will be to the east. Veer left when you see the sign marked "Man of Your Dreams". Continue on this road for 0.8 miles, following signs for 'Progress in Your Career and Relationship Way'. Take the second exit of the roundabout on Temple Marriage Dr./Route 24/7-365 N/Become A Nurse Practitioner E, and drive straight for time and all eternity.

But I think I'm wrong about that format.

While I do not doubt that God knows each of our lives individually and has the power to influence and guide us towards good things, to protect us from harm, and there are strengthening and challenging experiences by which God can help us become better people, I don't think God's plan is micro-managed as I thought before.

Instead of being a locked in Google Maps trip, or even a roller coaster with ups and downs but still stays on one track the whole time, I think the Plan of Salvation is more like this:

There's hundreds of possible routes up the wall. Occasionally, people stay on one route the whole time, never abandoning their color, never having to take a break and they race to the top. More often, a climber may fall over and over, feeling like they're making no progress, when in reality their dedication to getting to the top is one of their greatest qualities and they're the strongest climber at the end of the day. Others may choose one color, then see that it's beyond their strength to conquer, and choose a few other colors--wandering from side to side on the wall, slowly but surely moving upwards. Some may free climb, tied in to nothing, doing it more riskily but enjoying the rush, but their fall is the most devastating.

One thing they all have in common is they are trying to go in the same direction...even though they're doing it different ways. However, they will all do better on their route if they focus on themselves and their own progress up the wall and don't spend time ogling other climbers, comparing techniques and strength while they are clinging to the wall, wasting time and energy without moving because they're distracted.

There are important life choices and covenants that anchor me to God, and the Savior is my lead climber, climbing ahead of me, setting the example for me and showing me the way to go. The Holy Spirit is my belayer--always trying to help me climb in the right direction. I no longer feel, however, that God's plan is something I can ruin by taking a wrong turn, it's not so delicate. There are routes that are harder than others, routes which may injure me,routes that I may fall from, routes which won't challenge me, but as long as I remain tied in, listening to my belayer and following my lead climber, I will make it up, one way or another.

Once I recognized this, it was simultaneously comforting and scary. It's comforting to feel that I'm not going to jinx it all by accepting a job, moving to a new city, making an investment, getting into a relationship, or making big and small mistakes. It's scary and exhilarating because it made me realize how truly in charge of my own destiny I am. I can't expect a perfectly packaged "How to Get to Heaven--Becca Edition" travel brochure to turn to at every major crossroads. Instead, I have the responsibility to know the principles of good climbing, maintain a strong grip, hook in to solid anchors, trust my belayer and follow the leader. I have the ability and opportunity to boldly use the agency God gave me to apply true doctrines and choose what I think is the best route for me, and at the end of the day, my responsibility is to not try to control the future, but to simply do my best and climb on.

                                                 

It's Not About The Nail...Or Is It?

In a humorous commentary on female versus male communication, the video It's Not About The Nail pokes fun at the way women (generally speaking) "just want to be listened to." The exasperated husband is frustrated that the solution to the problem seems so obvious but his wife is completely ignoring that fact and simply wants to vent to him.

I have definitely been guilty of doing exactly what the wife did--just wanting to whine without getting advice or help. I've also been the not-so-sympathetic listener that offers a solution and then throws up my hands in frustration that my brother, friend, parent, or patient is not taking my super good advice.

Recently I was discussing this type of conversation with a couple of friends. They were on the husband's side--arguing that venting is somewhat pointless, unproductive, and immature, that offering solutions to solving the problem at hand is the best way to help. I was leaning towards the wife's side; I was convinced there is value to listening and offering comfort without advice. 

While my friends and I talked, a Bible story came to mind. Of course, Christ exemplifies an great way to be both loving, compassionate, kind, as well as helpful and solution-directed.

In the book of John, chapter 11, Jesus goes to his friends Mary and Martha, whose brother Lazarus has died. They are distraught, weeping and telling Jesus if he had come earlier, Lazarus could have been healed. Christ did not belittle these sisters' grief. He didn't say to them: "It's ok--I'm going to raise him from the dead, stop crying" or "Don't worry about it." 

What he did first, we find in John 11:35, the shortest Bible verse there is: "Jesus wept." In this simple act, he was showing compassion, mourning with them, validating their feelings, and offering support. He recognized the sorrow of the situation and showed them that he understood.  

However, Jesus knew, like many frustrated friends and family who are being vented to often, that there was a simple solution to the problem. He asked to be shown where Lazarus was buried, and then miraculously raised him from the dead.

The lesson I gleaned from this interaction is the following:

When someone is upset, angry, sad, or confused and wants to talk, taking time to listen to them and seek to understand how they're feeling can do a lot and help them feel loved and safe. Comforting people is such a good thing to do. 

In cases where there is something that can be done to help the situation, once the person knows you're not belittling or judging them for their feelings, offering advice or even just *doing* something that needs to be done (when appropriate, of course) is a really good thing, too! It's natural to want to help someone you care about and try to fix the problems that are causing them stress.

At the end of the day,  it's hard to go wrong when you're showing the person they're loved--by serving, listening, validating, or just being a shoulder to cry on. It can be sometimes be long, boring, difficult or seemingly unimportant, but with a little bit of Christlike love, we can help each other out--big time.