I’m so grateful my parents made the decision to get married all those years ago. I’m grateful for this gospel that we have and the truths that we recognize as a church about what it means to be married. However, I think that, as single adults, sometimes it's easy to forget about what marriage really is, why it’s so important, and the way we really should be preparing for marriage.
What is marriage?
The Family: a Proclamation to the World defines marriage as the lawful union of man and woman in holy matrimony. But there is so much more to marriage than the ceremony and the vows that we say.
Marriage is often called an institution. Some synonyms for the word institution are “organization” or “society.” When two people get married, it’s not just them deciding to have the same bank account. Together, they’re creating their own two person organization that they will build up and add on to as the years go by. Children, mortgages, careers, memories, finances, health problems--they’re all burdens and experiences that a couple will go through together. It’s you and your spouse against the world--a unit, a team. Married couples are even supposed to leave behind their old family in favor of their spouse, like we read in the book of Genesis: “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.” They need to have complete loyalty to each other and be willing to do what Ruth was: “Whither thou goest, I will go; and where thou lodgest, I will lodge: thy people shall be my people, and thy God my God: Where thou diest, will I die”
By making the decision to become one unit, a man and woman need to realize that their new unit--the institution of their marriage--is the “the one” for which they should be looking out. This is a difficult concept to grasp and apply, especially for young couples. Looking at my own life, I know that I mostly think about me...all of the time (college is kind of an inherently selfish period of life). My homework, my next meal, my schedule, my money...When I become someone’s wife, I will need to think about my husband and more importantly, our relationship.
I love the analogy of the precious silverware drawn by Elder F. Burton Howard in a conference talk several years ago. He tells of his wife’s desire to own a fine set of silver forks, spoons, and knives. She saved up her money in the early years of the marriage and bought a small set of expensive silverware. Over the years, Sister Howard took immaculate care of that silverware. She cleaned it, polished it, and only took it out when she felt the occasion was special enough to merit the use of her prized possession. Elder Howard did not understand for a long time why his wife took so much time and effort taking care of a few nice forks and spoons. Eventually, however, he gained a new perspective:
“One day I realized that my wife had known for a long time something that I was just beginning to understand. If you want something to last forever, you treat it differently. You shield it and protect it. You never abuse it. You don’t expose it to the elements. You don’t make it common or ordinary. If it ever becomes tarnished, you lovingly polish it until it gleams like new. It becomes special because you have made it so, and it grows more beautiful and precious as time goes by.”
Marriage is more than just a legal contract. It’s more than a bride, groom, some flowers, and a cake. More than a ceremony, a couple of people living together and sharing a bathroom. It’s more than having kids, raising a family, arguing over finances, and crying together. It’s a wonderful blessing and your doorway to an eternity with the love of your life. I hope we all treat it that way.
Why do we get married?
I think that at college age, we sometimes want to get married due to the draw of companionship, the desire of leaving single’s wards and living in student housing...getting out of the dating game...sounds nice, right? Not that those things won’t be awesome, there actually is a higher purpose to marriage than avoiding weekly clean checks.
The first and foremost reason to get married is because it’s the only way we can gain access to the highest degree of celestial glory. To quote D&C 131:1-4:
“In the celestial glory there are three heavens or degrees; And in order to obtain the highest, a man must enter into this order of the priesthood [meaning the new and everlasting covenant of marriage]; And if he does not, he cannot obtain it. He may enter into the other, but that is the end of his kingdom; he cannot have an increase.”
The way I have always interpreted this verse is that the word “increase” denotes eternal progression--the capacity to have spirit children, like Heavenly Father can. We cannot have complete eternal progression unless we can grow our eternal family, just like we do here on earth, which brings up the second purpose of marriage.
Marriage is the organization in which the creation of children is sanctioned by our Heavenly Father. The design of the family--father, mother, children--is so important to him and the plan of happiness that he ranks sexual sin as one of the three worst sins of all time. Sexual intimacy only belongs in a marriage between a man and woman lawfully wedded as husband and wife. I believe this is so because of how much Heavenly Father values the family and how much he wants all of his children (as many as possible, at least) to be raised in a family that is modeled after the eternal unit of family. When people start messing around outside of a married relationship, the potential for a child to be raised in a single-parent home increases greatly. The Proclamation reads: “Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity.”
Everyone on this earth that was blessed with the capacity to create life, a truly divine ability, owes something to the almighty being that granted them this germ of godhood. We can show our gratitude and respect for that divine power by invoking it in a marriage like he has asked to, and bringing His spirit children into the safest, most loving, and optimal circumstances.
How do I prepare for marriage?
In devotional last week, the students of BYU-Idaho got an earful about dating, tactics for approaching people, and the importance of a good wingman. That’s only one part of trying to get ready for marriage/find someone to marry. There are aspects of your life that are much more important than your flirting habits.
I’m going to use physical health as a metaphor for marriage preparation:
Imagine you’re not very fit at all. You get winded when you walk up the stairs, you can hardly lift your back pack--you’re out of shape all the way around. You don’t want a trainer, however, you just want someone to work out with you. People who have been working out daily for years will most likely not make a great partner, because you will get tired much more quickly than they will. They’ll feel like they’re dragging you behind them the whole workout. You’ll get resentful of their attitude and they will become tired with your lack of energy. The workout partnership will likely not last long.
Imagine that you’re very healthy--you’ve run a few 5Ks, you eat well, workout around 4-5 times a week. Now, if you find a workout partner that’s fit, right around your level, maybe slightly ahead or behind, you guys can push each other continually, teach each other new techniques, spot while they’re benching--you’re working together to improve your health and neither one of you is being dragged or doing any dragging.
I feel that this is the most important principle to remember when thinking about looking for a spouse. Don’t make a list of good qualities that you’re looking for that you’re not working on yourself. If someone that fits the bill comes along and you’ve been sitting on your behind, thinking “someday my prince will come”, getting nowhere in life, learning nothing, and not trying to improve, that prince is not going to want to take you anywhere with him. You’ll be dead weight.
The answer to marriage preparation? Be the person you want to marry! Become who you want to be (and marry) by being who you want to become every day.
Don’t focus on how few people like you, how you’re not as pretty, funny, interesting, thin or smart as the next door neighbor--focus instead on how to improve yourself and become more like Christ. Because whether or not you get married soon or even ever, becoming more like Christ can only be a positive thing in your eternal progression.
